Tim – Page 8 – Tim O'Hare

Does It Matter? #poem

Does it matter what they’re thinking?
Does it matter what they think of what I say?
Does it matter if I do what they’re expecting?
Does it matter if I do it anyway?

Does it matter if I play the game they choose?
Does it matter if they think that I’m a fool?
Does it matter if I win or if I lose?
Does it matter if I play by different rules?

Does it matter if I do it when I should do?
Does it matter if I go at my own pace?
Does it matter if I keep myself beside you?
Does it matter if I run a different race?

Does it matter if I wear a different colour?
Does it matter if I my hair’s a little long?
Does it matter if I like things to be quieter?
Does it matter if I break out into song?

Does it matter if I go across the bridge?
Does it matter if I’m in a different land?
Does it matter if I speak a different language?
Does it matter if I’m hard to understand?

Does it matter if I go to different places?
Does it matter if I seem a little weird?
Does it matter if I once wore rainbow laces?
Does it matter if I’m nothing to be feared?

Does it matter what they’re thinking?
Does it matter what they think of what I say?
Does it matter if I do what they’re expecting?
I think I’ll do it anyway.

(c) Tim O’Hare, June 2023

About this poem: I had read an article about Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria and how this can lead to ‘people pleasing’ behaviour, something that I tend to adopt strongly. ‘Does It Matter?’ tries to capture aspects of the internal struggle that works its way through my head on a near continuous basis and also provides a form of written antidote that reminds me that I do not have to do what I think is expected of me or behave in the ways that I think I am expected to behave or only do things once I have received some form of external confirmation that they are worthwhile or valid things to do.

This was the second poem I wrote, back in early summer 2023. It’s been clear since then that writing and publishing my poems has helped me to become much less dependent on receiving external validation for my work and much happier to just put stuff out there and see what happens (even if that turns out to be nothing very much!). I think this poem expressed something that I always knew inside but was perhaps a little fearful to recognize.

The Hutong Bagel Co, Plymouth #art

I seem to be on a bit of a run with my art at the moment as I managed to grab half an hour this morning to quickly paint a little ink and watercolour picture of one of Plymouth’s most popular cafes, The Hutong Bagel Co, located right next to the entrance of the Royal William Yard. (Ironically, being off sick from work with a streaming cold has had the benefit of giving me a bit of extra time to myself even though I still ended up doing work tasks during most of the day).

These little ink and watercolour sketches, which are approximately 7cm x 4cm in size, work best when there is some kind of building or solid structure in them to provide some hard edges and a clear focal point. In addition, I’m deliberately playing with the idea of producing pictures of the premises of various local cafes and shops.

I’m also trying to be brave and sprinkle a few people into my pictures when I can and although I am absolutely hopeless if I try to include any details I’m quite pleased that I seem to have found a way to capture the crowd of people standing outside the cafe without having to stray into the territory of their hands, noses, eyes and ears!

So here it is, my quick mini-watercolour of The Hutong Bagel Co.

The Royal Oak and a view between Meavy and Burrator #art

Today I have been suffering from a horrible fluey-cold which has left me feeling unable to do very much – a somewhat frustrating occurrence given that it is Sunday. But one positive of being forced into relative inactivity by illness is that as well as being unable to do very much I also don’t feel that I need to do anything very much and as a result I was able to sit down for an hour or so just now to do a little painting. At the outset it was my intention to do one quick miniature watercolour landscape and after a quick look in the photo library on my phone I decided that The Royal Oak pub in Meavy about 10 miles from here on the edge of Dartmoor would be my subject. The photo I based the picture on was one taken at end end of last month on the last proper walk that we have done (see: Out and About Again At Last) – it shows the pub closed and on a rather dull day so perhaps it was not the most inspiring choice. Nevertheless, I am still quite pleased with how it came out and that I managed not to over complicate it.

Having completed this picture I was still in the mood for creating art and so I switched my focus to another photo taken on the same day showing a view from the woodland path between Meavy and Burrator…

View from path between Meavy and Burrator

I’m reasonably happy with this second picture. I think the Silver Birch tree on the left has come out fairly well and I like the clump of trees on the horizon but I don’t think I have fully captured the texture of the leafless trees in the middle ground or the spires of gorse in the foreground. Despite its faults, I think I have captured the general impression reasonably well and I’m also pleased to have got in a bit more practice in quickly producing this kind of miniature landscape picture. I’m thinking about trying to produce pictures of this type more often (‘dailyish’ if I can) and I may have a go at seeing whether they might sell for a few pounds somewhere one day.

Metamorphosis #poem

Is it time to slough it off,
that rough, tough, protective skin,
that hide for unseen treasures deep within.

He had not felt it grow, but grow it had for many years,
thickening the defensive wall,
blurring eyes and muffling ears.

So early it had started, so slowly it had grown,
he’d noticed not the tightening as it closed around his bones,
holding him together safe and sound or so it seemed,
whilst locking him away to form a shield for self-esteem.

But he had heard the screams
and he had seen the flashes of the inner rage
and he had felt the punches as they slammed against the cage,
only recognising who they came from when witnessed in his broken dreams.

Years passed and then
worn thin by constant wear the first crack had appeared,
at last revealing what it was
and how the dangers it held fast against were nothing to be feared.

So, slough it off, that rough, tough defensive skin,
and let new life begin.
Slough it off, that mask of false protection
and let us see at last what treasures lie within.

(c) Tim O’Hare, June 2023

About this poem: After a coaching session at work talking through some of the challenges I face as a result of my ADHD-traits and the difficulty I find in allowing myself to be the way that I want to be rather than the way that I think I ought to be I was struck by the thought that I needed to let go of the protective behaviours and attitudes I had unknowingly constructed for myself over the years and, in the process, allow my authentic self to emerge. The image that came to mind was of a reptile shedding its skin and for some reason the phrase ‘slough it off’ popped into my head in association with this image. I quickly became rather fond of the word ‘slough’ and then, for the first time ever in my life really and without any warning or deliberate effort, I started to write a poem. ‘Metamorphosis’ is the first evidence that having sloughed off my metaphorical protective skin there was something different and unexpected lurking within!

Note: I have previously posted all of my poetry in a separate website: http://andapoet.blog but I have decided that I will gradually migrate all of that content to this site.

Out and About Again At Last #other

Four months ago, at the end of August 2024 I managed to do some damage to my left Medial Collateral Ligament while completing long runs. I think I did the injury earlier that month while running the second half of the West Devon Way from Peter Tavy to Okehampton but then I compounded things by attempting to complete my leg of the King Charles III Coastal Challenge, or at least a good chunk of it from Par Beach to Looe, a couple of weeks later. By the end of that run, over typically up-and-down Cornish coastal path terrain I could hardly walk and ever since then I have been trying to nurse it back to strength with the help of some visits to a Sports Therapist and, more recently, a Physiotherapist. But although the area where the MCL itself attaches to the top of my calf muscle has gradually become less sore, I have not been able to get my leg back to normal and pain-free – it now has a tendency to feel somewhat unstable and ‘clicky’ and is very sore most of the time and especially after I have spent any time sitting down. It has been very frustrating, not only preventing me from doing any running (apart from an 0.6 mile test run in mid-December) but it has also meant that I have cut back on walking and certainly not gone for any proper walks our and about on Dartmoor or at the coast.

Consequently, it was with a lot of joy that we took ourselves up onto the edge of Dartmoor yesterday morning for a short loop walk from the village of Meavy over to Burrator Reservoir and then back along the line of the old railway before dropping back to our starting point. The walk, 2.6 miles in total, is one that we have done multiple times before and gives a nice mix of terrain and some good views across the valley and the reservoir.

I particularly like the first section of the walk across some fields into a wooded area…

… after which the path climbs up towards the road at Burrator Reservoir …

After joining the road, we proceeded along it, above the reservoir, until reaching a small waterfall at which point we turned back to join the old railway line back towards Dousland …

The return section is more open with views south across the valley …

I always like views that have a mix of farmland and wilder moorland. Towards the end of the walk I also got to see another favourite sight, a fairly symmetrically-shaped tree, or what I now refer to as a symmetree!

Although the weather was not great, with cloudy and grey skies, there was no rain and it was just so good to get out and about, to be breathing fresh air, to be unconstrained by walls and to be immersed in nature again.

One day on, I am pleased to report that although my leg does feel somewhat sore, it does not feel any worse than on any other day and so hopefully it will now be possible to start to introduce a bit more proper walking back into life.

Stone Circle, Dartmoor #art

Back in April I decided I would like to have a go at sketching and painting. I have often thought about trying to do watercolour painting but my natural tendency towards perfectionism and my inability to carve out time for such activities has always put paid to those ideas. Back in Primary School – 50 or so years ago – I was quite into drawing and painting (without any particular flair) but in the intervening years I have hardly picked up a sketching pen or paint set. So, it was a bit of an impulse decision when I decided to work my way through a free video course on drawing and painting with ‘loose lines’ earlier this year. The course consisted of ten short videos that gave prompts to follow and, importantly, encouraged imperfection and embracing of mistakes (one of the practice tasks included instructions to deliberately make mistakes which I will admit I found hard to follow).

After just a few days of working through the course I was branching out to do more ambitious pieces and soon found myself starting to develop my own style. Since then I have been producing pictures on a fairly regular basis – mostly quick (15-30 minute), small watercolour landscapes and usually with quite a lot of detail put in with black ink. Producing these little works of art has been something I have greatly enjoyed and even though I say it myself the final pieces have been pretty good and certainly much better than I expected them to be given that I have a complete lack of technical training and zero experience to guide me. I just try things out, play and see what happens.

Over the weekend just gone I sat down for half an hour or so and decided I would have a go at producing a watercolour painting without doing what I usually do which is to first draw out the subject in a fair amount of detail in ink and then subsequently add more detail in ink on top of the paint. I have called this a ‘minimal ink’ watercolour (I did put a few small details in after I had completed the painting). I chose a photo of a stone circle on Dartmoor as my subject matter. The result is the picture at the top of this post and it is one that I am really pleased with. I am pleased with the sky as I have captured the colours and cloud shapes better than any sky I have painted previously and I am pleased with the oranges and pinks in the colour of the moorland. Most of all I am pleased that I have extended the range of my art a little more by limiting my use of ink and creating something that is a little less detailed and a little more impressionistic. It is certainly a style that I will have a go at again sometime.

Meditation 241022

I used to have a strong, more-or-less daily, journaling practice. This would usually take place as part of my morning routine and involved me writing out by hand into a notebook whatever thoughts were running through my head. This would typically take me around 30 minutes (although sometimes it would be a much longer session) and in the process I would work through issues that I was facing, collect fresh ideas and reflect on how I was progressing in life. I found it very useful practice – one of what I called my ‘Things That Help’ – but gradually I got a sense that my daily journaling session had become an impediment to me actually getting on with whatever it was I wanted to, or should have been, doing. I couldn’t escape the feeling that journaling had become a displacement activity that helped me to avoid getting on with the day. It was perhaps one part of what made me a Master Procrastinator.

A few months ago I made the bold (for me) decision to switch things around, moving away from writing by hand in favour of typed entries in my Obsidian-based Life-Management-System, and if that wasn’t enough I shifted the timing of my journaling sessions to mid-evening. In addition, based on countless recommendations that I had read telling me that it was a good idea to adopt a structured approach to writing journal entries, I picked a series of prompt questions (‘What went well today?’, ‘What could have gone better today?’, ‘What could I do differently?’ etc.) and then wrote responses to these based on the day that I had just experienced. After I made these changes things started quite well and I wrote entries on most week days for the best part of a couple of months, but after a while, and I can’t really believe that I am writing this, I found that all I could write in response to my second question, ‘What could have gone better today?’ was something along the lines of ‘well nothing really’. After a week or two of writing such entries I reached the conclusion that I was done with typing structured journal entries each evening and, in fact, I was done with the practice of journaling, full stop.

Walking home from work this evening, after having had a brief conversation about the value of journaling within an online community that I am a member of, I started to think again about whether there was any other way that I could incorporate something akin to journaling back into my life. Alongside this, I have been wanting for some time to try to get back into some kind of reasonably regular pattern of writing entries for this blog and so my brain threw the two tasks together and came up with the idea that I could (sort of) journal by writing (hopefully) regular (sort of) blog posts.

This is my first attempt – a blog post in which I reflect on some aspect of my life, some issue that I am grappling with, some idea that I have had or… well who knows? I certainly don’t. I don’t even know whether I will write any more such posts after this one – it seems like an interesting idea right now but I know what I am like and so I know that it is quite likely that things won’t turn out as I think they will. We will see I guess (or I will see at least, because I don’t know whether anyone will ever read this and turn my I into our we!)

There’s one final point I ought to acknowledge… that yes, it is just a little pretentious to call these entries and the section of the blog that they sit in ‘Meditations’ because I really cannot claim to be anywhere near as wise as the writer of the original ‘Meditations’, the Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius. But who knows? Marcus Aurelius wrote his daily journal entries for one person only – writing them was his personal process for keeping himself on track with the Stoic principles he held dear. He wasn’t trying to be profound or to instruct or inspire others, he was just working through his thoughts and reminding himself of important principles. So I will try to adopt the same principle – at least I will aim write for myself, to help myself navigate life’s challenges, and if along the way there is a reader, or even readers, who enjoy or find anything of interest in my writings then that’’ll just be a bonus!

Madly, Deeply – The Alan Rickman Diaries

This morning I finally finished the weighty tome that is Madly Deeply – The Alan Rickman Diaries. I started it back in June 2023 and have been reading a section, usually 3-6 months of entries, most weekday mornings since then. So, it has been a long read and, to some extent, a bit of a slog.

I was attracted to reading Madly Deeply after reading a review article in a newspaper soon after it was released. The article made quite a big play of how wonderful Rickman’s actual diaries were to look at, often illustrated with really nice sketches and drawings relating to the themes he was writing about, so it was something of a let-down to find that the published book contained only five pages (of over 450 in total) that showed any of these illustrations (and two of those five pages were the inside front cover). But never mind, there would always be interesting insights to read about the Harry Potter films since he surely must have loved his involvement in those in his role as Severus Snape…

Alas, it turns out that Rickman clearly didn’t much like being such a major part of the HP film series to the extent that he almost bailed out part way through (imagine if that had happened…).

The first thing that hit me smack bang in the face when I started reading the diaries (they begin in 1993 and run through to his death at the age of 69 in 2015) was that his life was absolutely, completely, inexpicably busy. Hardly a day seemed to pass when he wasn’t flying somewhere, seeing a film or play, dining out with friends, rehearsing, discussing things with directors and producers and agents, fending off critics etc. In fact, it felt like he did most of these things on most days – one day in New York, then on to Paris, Prague, South Africa, Italy, California, London in an utter whirlwind of activity. Just reading about his life left me exhausted and I still cannot comprehend how anyone can cope with such a life and, apparently, have so much energy. [I wasn’t surprised when, quite far on in the diaries, he casually dropped in a reference to his ADHD… although his flavour ADHD was certainly not much like my flavour of ADHD!]

I can’t say that I particularly warmed to Alan Rickman as a person through his diary entries which surprised me a little, although on reflection there is really no reason why I might have expected to. His entries often paint a picture of a slightly bitter man, somewhat intolerant about the ‘failings’ of others (of which there seemed to be many), who seemed to feel a little under-valued and, perhaps, frustrated that he was not always understood as he felt he should be. But then there are also clear indications of loyalty, a desire for fairness and a love of his art and a quirky sense of humour.

Overall, it was interesting to get a little glimpse of a world that I was almost completely oblivious to prior to reading the book – an insane world of rushing about and pouring oneself into project after project – a world that truly must have been madly and deeply exhausting but, I guess, full of experience and excitement. I don’t want to rush about quite to the extent that Alan Rickman seemed able to but it’s perhaps useful to have received this glimpse of just how much a life fully lived can contain.

Stillness Is The Key (Ryan Holiday)

Stillness Is The Key was the third of author and modern-day purveyor of Stoic wisdom Ryan Holiday’s original set of books about the application of practicing Stoicism in everyday life. I read (actually listened to) the first two – Ego Is The Enemy and The Obstacle Is The Way – back in late 2017 soon after I started to become interested in Stoicism. Since then I have worked my way through the rest of his more recent output such that I would now probably have to label myself as a committed Ryan Holiday disciple. In 2018 I read The Daily Stoic one day at a time (something I am in the process of repeating this year) and then I listened to the first two volumes of his ongoing Stoic Virtues series – Courage Is Calling and Discipline Is Destiny – in 2021 and 2022 respectively. Last year I completed Lives of the Stoics and I have the third installment of the Stoic Virtues series (Right Thing, Right Now – Justice In An Unjust World) on pre-order for its release later this year. So with all of that in mind it is somewhat odd that it is only now that I have gone back to complete the original trilogy by listening to Stillness Is The Key.

With Ryan Holiday’s work I have always particularly enjoyed listening to the audiobook versions. Not all readers are the right person to narrate their own words but I find that Holiday’s narration brings the words to life and always keeps my attention (usually I am walking to or from work when I listen to audiobooks).

As with all of his other books I enjoyed this dose of Stoic wisdom. Holiday makes the simple wisdom contained in the ancient writings of Epictetus, Seneca and, of course, Marcus Aurelius relevant to life in the present day, treating them like mentors who we can lean upon for advice whenever we feel in need of a slight nudge or some help to become unstuck. The general theme of Stillness Is The Key is, naturally, one of slowing down a little, considering, maintaining a sense of balanced calm and, let’s face it, we could all do with some of that at times (or even often!).

I don’t think Stillness Is The Key is Holiday’s best work. In fact, I think his more recent Stoic Virtues series books are much better crafted than his earlier ones, but then that is surely to be expected as he has lived, practiced and absorbed Stoicism for longer and, I tentatively suggest, become a better writer too as the years have passed. But Stillness Is The Key is still worth reading (or listening to) because above all else it is important to remember that Stoicism is a more than a philosophy – it’s a way of approaching life and something that needs to be practiced, practiced and practiced, day in and day out. Anything that sets out Stoic ideas as clearly as Holiday’s writing and puts them in the front of my mind for a bit is going to help ensure that all of that practice helps to push me a little closer to that impossible to find place where practice makes perfect!

The Bigger Picture (Petrus Ursem)

Last November we popped up to Yelverton to visit a local event for artists and makers from the Tamar Valley. There were quite a few stalls with different types of artwork that I really liked, one such being the work of artist and writer Peter Ursem. As well as his wonderful lithograph prints of various locations in and around Dartmoor and the Tamar Valley he also had a few prints and cards of some poetry and copies of his books – a children’s adventure story trilogy that I really must read sometime and a small volume called ‘The Bigger Picture’ written under his pen-name Petrus Ursem. I got chatting with Peter about is work and immediately felt a strong mental connection – we talked about the process of writing and where ideas come from and he told me about how TBP was a collection of short fables written in similar form to those of the Master of Fables, Aesop, with a group of animals interacting to discuss and explore different pieces of wisdom and thought. I was immediately hooked by his description and purchased a copy of TBP which I have been reading on and off since then – one fable (of forty in total) each morning.

Many of the fables in The Bigger Picture take a word or short phrase and then have the different animals (a rather odd mix including a crocodile, an owl a peacock, a worm, a bull, a bee and others along with a few non-animal characters like Cloud) riffing on it as they meet up and go about their daily business, always uncovering some little nugget of wisdom along the way. To give an idea there are fables called ‘Between a Rock and a Hard Place’, ‘Point of View’ and ‘No Half Measures’. Talking with Peter I was interested to hear that partly this construction stemmed from him originally being from The Netherlands and so being intrigued by certain turns of phrase in English.

I finished the last fable ‘Being You’ last week and as I did so I found myself wishing that during my first readings I had made some notes to capture a few quotes and some of the glimpses of wisdom the fables contained. At first, I was a little disappointed to reflect that most of what I had read had slipped straight out of my head but then I realised that this was actually a bonus… because I have now promised myself that at some point in the not too distant future I will read The Bigger Picture through again, with pencil and notebook in hand, and be inspired and enchanted once more.