Tag: expectations

(Another) Four Quartets #poem

Quartet No.1 in C Major
I. Exceptional (maestoso ridicolo)
II. Growing (allegro vivamente)
III. Discovering (allegro con abbandono)
IV. Fearful (moderato sostenuto)

Quartet No. 2 in E Major
I. Interested (scherzo giocoso)
II. Hopeful (andante sognando)
III. Exploring (allegro impetuoso)
IV. Indecisive (adagietto dissonante)

Quartet No. 3 in A flat minor
I. Struggling (largamente melancolico)
II. Puzzled (andante misterioso)
III. Frustrated (allegro incalzando)
IV. Trying (allegro spiritoso)

Quartet No. 4 in D sharp minor
I. Disappointed (andante con dolore)
II. Angry (allegro furioso)
III. Overwhelmed (andate lacrimoso)
IV. Capitulated (largo perdendosi)

(c) Tim O’Hare, January 2024

About this poem: Over the last couple of days I have felt a growing sense of inner doom and then today I woke to find myself the recipient of another visit from The Hollow Man. The result was that despite having a mountain of work things to do I found myself stealing time to construct this poem. It started out as a list of words chosen to express something of the way I was seeing different stages of my life and then as these settled naturally into four groups of four I could not resist the reference to T.S. Eliot and the idea of representing the list as a set of musical works complete with accompanying musical terms for tempo and associated emotion. Perhaps it is all a little dark and almost certainly it is a lot contrived but writing this poem seems to have done its job and I can now start to move on again.

[The photo shows my ‘cello which suffered a broken tail gut leading to its bridge and sound post (internal) collapsing, shortly before the poem was written. It felt like an appropriate accompaniment to the poem…]

Does It Matter? #poem

Does it matter what they’re thinking?
Does it matter what they think of what I say?
Does it matter if I do what they’re expecting?
Does it matter if I do it anyway?

Does it matter if I play the game they choose?
Does it matter if they think that I’m a fool?
Does it matter if I win or if I lose?
Does it matter if I play by different rules?

Does it matter if I do it when I should do?
Does it matter if I go at my own pace?
Does it matter if I keep myself beside you?
Does it matter if I run a different race?

Does it matter if I wear a different colour?
Does it matter if I my hair’s a little long?
Does it matter if I like things to be quieter?
Does it matter if I break out into song?

Does it matter if I go across the bridge?
Does it matter if I’m in a different land?
Does it matter if I speak a different language?
Does it matter if I’m hard to understand?

Does it matter if I go to different places?
Does it matter if I seem a little weird?
Does it matter if I once wore rainbow laces?
Does it matter if I’m nothing to be feared?

Does it matter what they’re thinking?
Does it matter what they think of what I say?
Does it matter if I do what they’re expecting?
I think I’ll do it anyway.

(c) Tim O’Hare, June 2023

About this poem: I had read an article about Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria and how this can lead to ‘people pleasing’ behaviour, something that I tend to adopt strongly. ‘Does It Matter?’ tries to capture aspects of the internal struggle that works its way through my head on a near continuous basis and also provides a form of written antidote that reminds me that I do not have to do what I think is expected of me or behave in the ways that I think I am expected to behave or only do things once I have received some form of external confirmation that they are worthwhile or valid things to do.

This was the second poem I wrote, back in early summer 2023. It’s been clear since then that writing and publishing my poems has helped me to become much less dependent on receiving external validation for my work and much happier to just put stuff out there and see what happens (even if that turns out to be nothing very much!). I think this poem expressed something that I always knew inside but was perhaps a little fearful to recognize.